"I'M A FEMINIST I'LL DO WHAT I WANT" TRUFFLES

“I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking…” Actually, no, scratch that. I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking...about what is so politically charged and either talked too little about or over sensationalised. Feminism. Gender slurs. Sexism et al. People either hulk-out over the subject or yawn, saying in a politically correct tone “yes but we’re past that”. Ah, incorrect, wrong, no way, me thinks. Rather, I yawn over the fact sexism and the objectification of women is still rife in the workplace, in the media, in the home, at the Queensgate Mall in the Hutt. Cue the Emmys this week. Or polls stating who’s the “hottest” MP. Or an event titled “Flirty Politics” with special guests Nikki Kaye and Jacinda Ardern. Ugh.

I’m neither articulate enough nor informed enough to give the subject any justice. I’m also writing a cooking blog which features far too many baking recipes. Ironic, given the “get back in the kitchen” stereotypes of yesteryear. Or that if I execute some amazing choreography in a leotard and claim I’m a feminist...then I’m a hypocrite. But hey, fourth-wave feminism allows me to do whatever I like etc etc, even if that means making ridiculously easy truffles that will undoubtedly deplete the latter years of your life. But, however, furthermore and finally, I just wanted to table my frustrations without saying anything of real substance. Either that or it could be the PMS talking...duh. 

Ingredients:

1 pkt Oreos

150g tub of cream cheese

250g/block of Whittaker’s milk chocolate. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my go-to

Seize the opportunity to take out any girly PMS issues *sarcasm* by crushing the biscuits with a hard-edged device. Add the tub of cream cheese to the Oreo mixture. Roll into balls. Meanwhile, melt dat chocolate by microwaving the chocolate in 30-second bursts. Add a dash of milk if necessary. Cover the balls of delight with the melted chocolate. Biff in the fridge for an hour or so. Go on, you can do it. I’m always one for crazy-deliciously-rich recipes made in about two minutes. Two minutes of work = a 1000 years of glory. Girls can truly have it all. Why not take it to work* while you’re an intern? What a precedent that will send!

*I have been known to do this - despite cringing at all the female (or mothers thereof) predecessors/successors who have done the same in a workplace environment. Is this another contradiction/hypocrisy? Does it send the wrong message? But baking’s my life?! So many things to consider!

"Grog" Bread

There is nothing quite like homemade bread. Really. Especially when it is quick and absolutely delicious. I have this horrible habit of having to purchase an almond croissant whenever I see one. Similarly, I must always buy a loaf of rustic bread that looks remotely “European”- looking, whenever I find myself near a “European-esque” cafe/knock off bakery/boulangerie. Pretty contrived and pretentious, if I think about it.

Nonetheless, if you fancy yourself the el-cheapo European you really ought to try my beer bread recipe. It’s brilliant with soup or spectacular on its own, with blue cheese and jam, methinks. Bonne Maman jam, even. Oh la la.

Ingredients:

3 cups of flour

3 tsp of baking powder

1 tsp of salt

⅓ C of sugar

1 can of beer

Mix all of the above ingredients together. No need to knead. This is not some faux European bakery franchise. We ain't got no time fo dat. Instead, biff the mixture into a rectangle tin. Be sure to grease the crap out of it. Really truly. Bake for 50 minutes in a 180 degrees celcius oven. Once out of the oven, smother a thick slice with butter. Oh yeah.

HONEY BOO BOO'S PB COOKIES

I was so wonderfully fortunate enough to stay with a dear friend of mine in Auckland recently. I was completely perplexed when within half an hour he had a batch of bikkies coming out of the oven. You should've seen the twinkle in his eye when he told me there were only five ingredients, they were super fast to make and that we could eat about 20 of them because he sourced the recipe from a “health magazine”. Good enough for me, I said. #paleo #cleaneating #youareonlycheatingyourself

Ingredients: 

1 cup peanut butter
1 egg
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
85g dark chocolate, chopped in chunks

Preheat yo’ faulty oven to 180°C. Mix the peanut butter, egg, sugar and baking soda in a bowl. Mix well. Have a taste, go on. Add chocolate. Have a further nibble. Make little balls of the said mixture and put onto a tray about 5cm apart. I go by the philosophy, "one for you, one for me." I know, I need to stop that. Ridiculous. Bung the tray of deliciousness in the oven for about 10 minutes, according to my (equally delicious) friend, Ben, the cookies are best eaten slightly under-cooked. I would HUGELY concur. DAYEM. Perfect w a cuppa.

Disclaimer: these cookies are called Honey Boo Boo's PB Cookies because my said friend once sported the most unbelievably AMAZING Honey Boo Boo costume for a Halloween party circa 2010 and I will never forget it. Think a tight boob-tube, pink and white polka dot shorts, massive yellow wig and a cardboard cut-out of Glitzy the house pig. RIP. Hilarious. 

MY PEANUT BUTTER SLICE

During days where you would rather poke your eye out with a blunt highlighter than have to bear the awful brunt of winter, cooking, at least for me, is often reduced to toast...or muesli, or tea, or something so ridiculously quick and easy that you don’t have to escape your warm bed for more than 15 minutes. Baking on those days can be quite the feat. But not today! I have a top secret gluttonous recipe that I wish to share with you.  

Ingredients:

1 pkt of Oreos

1 C of peanut butter

50 g butter

½ C icing sugar

Dollop of milk

1 block of Whittaker's milk chocolate

If you don’t have a mother who is partial to watching infomercials and so you weren’t lucky enough to get a magic bullet for Christmas, you are going to have to crush the oreo bikkies with a rolling pin. No problemo.Add butter, peanut butter and finally the icing sugar and mix. Pack the mixture into a tin slice container and leave. Meanwhile, biff the chocolate with the milk into a microwave for about one and a half minutes or until melted. Pour chocolate mixture over base and voila. If you are a greedy guts, may I suggest you put the finished product into the freezer so the chocolate sets faster. Phwoarrrr!

JIMMY'S MAGIC SLICE

If you’re a cool cat on the go, whether you have a million kids, or if you have two full time jobs, or if you are merely one of those people who has lost your marbles (like me) then you will cherish this quick magical recipe.

My beloved sister’s boyfriend introduced it to me and at first I was like, “wah, whatchu talkin about Willis?!”. However, in reality, it is super fast, relatively inexpensive and absolutely nom-worthy. Furthermore, I was feeling festive over the Christmas period (okay it was February, I was a little late) so I decided to send cute packages to my friends. They were really well received by most - other than one of my friends who was like, “Sasha, thanks so much for the weird muffin!”

Ingredients:

200 g butter (softened)
1 C sugar
1 egg
1 tsp of vanilla essence
2 C of flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 C raspberries (frozen will suffice. They’re regularly on sale. I’ve also used strawberres and blueberries.)
½ C white chocolate buttons

Pre-heat that dubious and unreliable flat oven of yours to 180 degrees Celsius proving that it has a function other than acting as a DIY heater. (Takes me back to the days when I was a poor boozed and cold student studying in Dunedin, but I digress). Line a slice tin with baking paper to avoid sticking - losing precious slice to a tin is one of the worst crimes against humanity.

Meanwhile, cream the butter and sugar, add the vanilla, flour and finally baking powder. While sifting the flour is ideal, cool cats on the go aint got no time fo’ sifting, unless they’re in a clurrb. AmIright?

Press two thirds of the mixed into the tin. Spoon/sprinkle the raspberries over the mixture, the chocolate buttons thereafter. Put the remaining mixture over the raspberries/chocolate. Bung the dish into the oven for 35-40 minutes or until golden. Done.

CHORIZO HASH

Following my fleeting (and traumatic) dieting experience, I thought “hells bells” I’m going to make an amazing dish that 1) is delicious 2) I can eat heaps and heaps and heaps of it, and 3) is moderately if not slightly healthy - akin to muesli bars, which, I have come to realise, are actually glorified chocolate bars. 

So, for all of you plebeians who wish to impress but who actually only purchase REAL LIFE VANILLA BEAN PODS because you are told you should (don’t do it, it’s criminally expensive) here is the recipe for you: 

Chorizo Hash with Poached Eggs

Ingredients: 

Root vegetables to roast of many kinds and use your imagination - kumara, potato, carrot, pumpkin (is this a route vegetable), onion, garlic, beetroot (adds to the colour). 

Chorizo - the oh la la factor - really, it’s just a fancy salami, but oh so impressive. 

Baby spinach

Feta

Eggs (two eggs per person, methinks, the more PROTEIN the better). 

Dice the vegetables and biff them into a roasting dish. Swamp them in olive oil. Add salt and herbs you have lying around. I am very partial towards dill, oregano and rosemary. I absolutely loathe and detest coriander and parsley for some reason. I’ve been told it’s hereditary. Apologies for the digression. 

Grab that chorizo - not to worry if it hasn’t been pre-cooked. In fact, I would prefer it because you are wanting the fatty juices to smother the roasted vegetables. So, slice the chorizo and place said slices over diced vegetables. Biff the entire dish in a pre heated oven and at 200 degrees Celsius, cook for 30 minutes. If it fails to cook, grill those puppies. The crispier, the better, I say.

Meanwhile, if you are devoid of having the capability of poaching eggs like myself, may I suggest this:

Fill a bowl with boiling water. Crack two eggs into said bowl (may I suggest you try your hand in doing so whimsically, at least for a laugh). Bung the above into a microwave and put on high heat for 50 seconds. The amount of time may differ according to the microwave. Beware, the eggs can explode if you are not careful. Discard water from said bowl. 

Once the roasted vegetables are out of the oven, serve the vegetables onto plates. Add some spinach and diced feta. Plonk yo’ eggs on top and done. Perfect for instagram.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

It’s been a good bloody while since I’ve blogged on “doily darlings”. In the meantime I moved to Nelson, started working for the daily newspaper, the Nelson Mail and took up the role of emergency services, court and police reporter. 

I have been trying to get a food blog off the ground in that neck of the woods but the current title, “Keyboard Nibbles” is just not really doing it for me. I have otherwise been writing restaurant reviews for the Nelson Mail’s lifestyle magazine, Admire, http://www.admiremagazine.co.nz/ Branding aye? Isn't it vulgar and insufferable? Albeit, having a performance background, I will have to admit I do revel in all things audacious + tap-dancing related. It’s no good. 

It must be made abundantly clear that I am not a cook. In fact, as my cooking ers on the side of burnt, one could say I am the poorest of cooks but I would love to think it is due to the fact that I have a very tumultuous relationship with my stove top and if I had a scanpan or kitchenaid appliances then my life and the quality of my cooking would compare to Julia Child. I would love to think that my baking is a little better and I think there is nothing lovelier than to greet friends with a little baked surprise that you produce from your purse. 

So without further ado, here is my favourite go-to recipe - the Yo Yo.

Ingredients: 

185 grams of butter
⅓ C icing sugar
⅓ C custard powder
1 1/2C plain flour
Dash of vanilla essence (if you revel in vanilla)

Icing:

½ C icing sugar
2 T of butter
2 tsp of custard powder
½ tsp of vanilla
Dash of food colouring (pink, methinks)

Leave the butter out while you go work like a dog. Once you come home and the butter is soft, cream the butter. Mix in the icing sugar and custard powder. Add the plain flour and a dash (I would add about a teaspoon) of vanilla for good measure. 

Roll the mixture into balls and place on a tray. Press the said balls ever so slightly with a fork. Pop into an moderately heated oven (about 180 degrees Celsius) for about 10-15 minutes. Leave out to cool. 

Meanwhile, mix the icing ingredients together and once the biscuits have cooled, sandwich (giant) dollops of icing between two cookies. Delicious!