"I'M A FEMINIST I'LL DO WHAT I WANT" TRUFFLES

“I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking…” Actually, no, scratch that. I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking...about what is so politically charged and either talked too little about or over sensationalised. Feminism. Gender slurs. Sexism et al. People either hulk-out over the subject or yawn, saying in a politically correct tone “yes but we’re past that”. Ah, incorrect, wrong, no way, me thinks. Rather, I yawn over the fact sexism and the objectification of women is still rife in the workplace, in the media, in the home, at the Queensgate Mall in the Hutt. Cue the Emmys this week. Or polls stating who’s the “hottest” MP. Or an event titled “Flirty Politics” with special guests Nikki Kaye and Jacinda Ardern. Ugh.

I’m neither articulate enough nor informed enough to give the subject any justice. I’m also writing a cooking blog which features far too many baking recipes. Ironic, given the “get back in the kitchen” stereotypes of yesteryear. Or that if I execute some amazing choreography in a leotard and claim I’m a feminist...then I’m a hypocrite. But hey, fourth-wave feminism allows me to do whatever I like etc etc, even if that means making ridiculously easy truffles that will undoubtedly deplete the latter years of your life. But, however, furthermore and finally, I just wanted to table my frustrations without saying anything of real substance. Either that or it could be the PMS talking...duh. 

Ingredients:

1 pkt Oreos

150g tub of cream cheese

250g/block of Whittaker’s milk chocolate. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my go-to

Seize the opportunity to take out any girly PMS issues *sarcasm* by crushing the biscuits with a hard-edged device. Add the tub of cream cheese to the Oreo mixture. Roll into balls. Meanwhile, melt dat chocolate by microwaving the chocolate in 30-second bursts. Add a dash of milk if necessary. Cover the balls of delight with the melted chocolate. Biff in the fridge for an hour or so. Go on, you can do it. I’m always one for crazy-deliciously-rich recipes made in about two minutes. Two minutes of work = a 1000 years of glory. Girls can truly have it all. Why not take it to work* while you’re an intern? What a precedent that will send!

*I have been known to do this - despite cringing at all the female (or mothers thereof) predecessors/successors who have done the same in a workplace environment. Is this another contradiction/hypocrisy? Does it send the wrong message? But baking’s my life?! So many things to consider!

"Grog" Bread

There is nothing quite like homemade bread. Really. Especially when it is quick and absolutely delicious. I have this horrible habit of having to purchase an almond croissant whenever I see one. Similarly, I must always buy a loaf of rustic bread that looks remotely “European”- looking, whenever I find myself near a “European-esque” cafe/knock off bakery/boulangerie. Pretty contrived and pretentious, if I think about it.

Nonetheless, if you fancy yourself the el-cheapo European you really ought to try my beer bread recipe. It’s brilliant with soup or spectacular on its own, with blue cheese and jam, methinks. Bonne Maman jam, even. Oh la la.

Ingredients:

3 cups of flour

3 tsp of baking powder

1 tsp of salt

⅓ C of sugar

1 can of beer

Mix all of the above ingredients together. No need to knead. This is not some faux European bakery franchise. We ain't got no time fo dat. Instead, biff the mixture into a rectangle tin. Be sure to grease the crap out of it. Really truly. Bake for 50 minutes in a 180 degrees celcius oven. Once out of the oven, smother a thick slice with butter. Oh yeah.

HONEY BOO BOO'S PB COOKIES

I was so wonderfully fortunate enough to stay with a dear friend of mine in Auckland recently. I was completely perplexed when within half an hour he had a batch of bikkies coming out of the oven. You should've seen the twinkle in his eye when he told me there were only five ingredients, they were super fast to make and that we could eat about 20 of them because he sourced the recipe from a “health magazine”. Good enough for me, I said. #paleo #cleaneating #youareonlycheatingyourself

Ingredients: 

1 cup peanut butter
1 egg
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
85g dark chocolate, chopped in chunks

Preheat yo’ faulty oven to 180°C. Mix the peanut butter, egg, sugar and baking soda in a bowl. Mix well. Have a taste, go on. Add chocolate. Have a further nibble. Make little balls of the said mixture and put onto a tray about 5cm apart. I go by the philosophy, "one for you, one for me." I know, I need to stop that. Ridiculous. Bung the tray of deliciousness in the oven for about 10 minutes, according to my (equally delicious) friend, Ben, the cookies are best eaten slightly under-cooked. I would HUGELY concur. DAYEM. Perfect w a cuppa.

Disclaimer: these cookies are called Honey Boo Boo's PB Cookies because my said friend once sported the most unbelievably AMAZING Honey Boo Boo costume for a Halloween party circa 2010 and I will never forget it. Think a tight boob-tube, pink and white polka dot shorts, massive yellow wig and a cardboard cut-out of Glitzy the house pig. RIP. Hilarious. 

MY PEANUT BUTTER SLICE

During days where you would rather poke your eye out with a blunt highlighter than have to bear the awful brunt of winter, cooking, at least for me, is often reduced to toast...or muesli, or tea, or something so ridiculously quick and easy that you don’t have to escape your warm bed for more than 15 minutes. Baking on those days can be quite the feat. But not today! I have a top secret gluttonous recipe that I wish to share with you.  

Ingredients:

1 pkt of Oreos

1 C of peanut butter

50 g butter

½ C icing sugar

Dollop of milk

1 block of Whittaker's milk chocolate

If you don’t have a mother who is partial to watching infomercials and so you weren’t lucky enough to get a magic bullet for Christmas, you are going to have to crush the oreo bikkies with a rolling pin. No problemo.Add butter, peanut butter and finally the icing sugar and mix. Pack the mixture into a tin slice container and leave. Meanwhile, biff the chocolate with the milk into a microwave for about one and a half minutes or until melted. Pour chocolate mixture over base and voila. If you are a greedy guts, may I suggest you put the finished product into the freezer so the chocolate sets faster. Phwoarrrr!