NOT ANOTHER BLOODY POLENTA CAKE

Yes, I know, I’m one of those drongos who has “waves” of being into things – whether that be sequins, wayfarers, almond croissants, all things Scandinavian and apparently, cakes including polenta. So my friend asked me to make her a cake for her work-do. Sure, me being the bloody muggans said yes. Perfect for the blog, I said (secretly)! Every Wednesday a group of my friends play croquet, drink in hand, for what we like to call “Whack it Wednesday”. Euphemisms are unintended. It was after this week’s #WhackItWednesday that I realised while stumbling home (on a school night) that I had forgotten to prioritise my cake-making. In a wave of hysteria I rushed to the supermarket and purchased oranges, walnuts, carrots and cream cheese. New trend alert! I mean how can you possibly go wrong with sweet, sour and tart – thanks to the cream cheese? 

Speaking of trends there’s definitely a “cake of the moment” that’s dominating the likes of instagram. Think gluten-and-dairy-free, ethereal dried flowers, powdered plum ornamentation and pistachios. What’s more, the aesthetic of this #ontrend cake is “slightly disheveled but equally put together” in other words, “shabby chic”. So here’s my take on the trend, in an easy – let’s-put-in-as-little-effort-as-humanly-possible kind of way. 

Ingredients:

About 200g of butter

4T olive oil

1 C sugar

1 tsp vanilla extract

4 eggs

Handful of cut-up walnuts

1 ½ tsp baking powder

3/4C polenta

2 big carrots, finely grated

3 oranges, the zest of 2, the juice of all 3.

Tub of cream cheese

Up to 2 C of icing sugar

Dried flowers for decoration

Combine the sugar, oil and butter and whisk the heck out of it until fluffy. Add the eggs and beat, beat, beat. Add the vanilla, baking powder, polenta. Finally add the carrots, walnuts and orange zest and juice. Mix the heck out of it. By this point all the scents will be getting to you. Grease the heck out of a baking tin. Seriously, because this is a dense-healthy-ish cake, it’s inclined to be inordinately attached to its partner in crime, namely the tin. I’m losing my mind with all the aroma. So many innuendos with this recipe! Okay, biff the mixture into the oven 160 degrees Celsius for about 30 – 40 minutes. Leave to cool once it’s out of the oven. Now for the icing. Combine the cream cheese and icing sugar. If it tastes/feels/looks a bit “meh” add a bit of butter or orange zest. I tend to overdo it on the vanilla so I’m not going to suggest you add more. Once the cake is ready to be iced, gloop on as much icing as possible. The more, the better, I say. Huzzah!

LAVENDER POLENTA CAKE

So, post Galentines and ValentinesDIEDIEDIE as my workmate calls it, I was feeling all whimsical and thought, hey, why not make something ethereal and delicious? And what better way to make an ethereal dish than to add flowers, particularly lavender. What’s more, I love a good “let’s do it right” challenge, in other words, getting on the #paleo #glutenfree #thinspo boat. So, when I came across a recipe (thanks to my mother)  that incorporated polenta, well, I lost it. But that was before I looked at the rest of the recipe, which incorporates every other sinful ingredient known to man #treatyoself. It must also be mentioned that because of the lavender in the recipe, I found myself foraging around the ‘burbs of Wellington while hungover. Needless to say, it would’ve been a treat for any onlookers. I was also wearing double polka-dots (not to be confused with double-denim) and spotted a dalmatian so naturally I had to take a photograph. #whoworeitbest #bitchstolemylook

Ingredients:

200g softened butter

⅔ c caster sugar

200 g polenta

100 g all-purpose flour

1 ½ tsp baking powder

3 eggs

zest of two lemons, plus juice of one lemon

1 tsp of dried lavender.

Grab a cake tin from the cupboard or your next door neighbour. No meatloaf tin will do. You need it. Grease that thang. Grease it real good. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees Celsius. Now, either with your hulk-like arms or a mixer, beat the butter and sugar until you have a deliciously whipped mixture. We are talking 3-5 minutes worth of whipping, folks. Now, forage around your kitchen to find another bowl, in it, combine flour, polenta, and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture and beat the heck out of, simultaneously. Hustle. Add those eggs while you beat, beat, beat. Finally beat in the lemon zest, juice and lavender. Pour the said mixture into the cake (not meatloaf) tin and bake for about 40-45 minutes. Now, while I’m VERY partial to icing, this cake really only needs a dusting of icing sugar. However, for all the icing fiends, like myself, might I suggest you make a syrup of sorts by boiling together a bit of lemon juice and sugar on a stove-top.

SAVOURY SHORTBREAD

Happy 2015! What a year it will be – filled with fewer croissants, and more quinoa, or so I try to tell myself. To kick off the year I decided I would do the unthinkable – combine sweet and savoury! It was my birthday this week, and at 26 (GAH old age, run for your lives) I decided I needed to at least ATTEMPT to curb my obsession with sweet baked goods. Thus the birth of “savoury shortbread” , or a “glorified cracker”  if you will.

For my diva day I decided to stage a picnic, complete with delightful friends, my famous chocolate mascarpone tart, a pyrotechnic candle that should be illegal, a beautiful cake made by partner-in-culinary-crime, Deanna Dowling, and my new go-to, savoury shortbread biscuits.

Beautiful cake.

For those of you who are frightened by the prospect of combining sweet and savoury – no need to fret. You are getting the best of both worlds. And what’s more, because I was channeling Beyonce and feeling particularly gluttonous , I combined these savoury bikkys with cheese and jam. Holy hell! So if you too wish to channel your inner Beyonce, get ya hands dirrrrty and try the following recipe:

Ingredients:

185g butter

⅓ C icing sugar

1/2 C flour

1 tsp coarse salt

1 tsp dried rosemary (not ground)

Handful of chopped walnuts

Preheat that unreliable oven of yours to 180 degrees Celsius. Combine all of the ingredients as if you are making stock-standard shortbread. To be the tease that I am, I like to add the rosemary, salt and walnuts at the end – just to keep the mystery alive as to whether the shortbread are going to be sweet or savoury. With the dough, create a log-like formation. You want to make it as compact as humanly possible. Using a sharp knife cut the log into thin slices, place them individually on a baking tray, and biff them into the oven for 15 minutes or so. Done. As my first time was largely experimental, I am of the belief my treaties erred on the thick side. But you know, it was my birthday and equally I’m a greedy guts, so no harm done.

CANDY FRENZY STRIKES – VANILLA FUDGE SLICE

Okay enough of this summer-is-coming healthy-eating jibba jabba. It’s getting to that time of the year when candy frenzy strikes (at least for me) and I’m desperate to get my baked good on. Now for this recipe, I really wanted to combine my obsession with icing and brownies. There is really nothing as glorious as combining butter and sugar in my opinion. If I were to be the master and commander of all cupcakes, I would employ a ration of 2:1 (the 2 being icing, of course). I’m salivating just thinking about it. Anyway, for those amid the throes of exams, why not procrastibake with this little stunner of a recipe?

Ingredients:

• 60 grams butter
• 1 egg
• 1 C brown sugar
• ¾ C flour
• ½ tsp baking powder
• ½ tsp salt
• A good bloody splash of vanilla

For the icing: it’s a classic butter icing recipe:

• 75 grams butter
• ⅔ C icing sugar
• 2 tsp of vanilla
• 
  

For the base, melt the butter, followed by everything else in a bowl. Try the batter. Good, right? Using a run of the mill slice tin and beware to grease it before you pack the mixture in it. Back the slice in a 160 degrees celsius oven for about 20 minutes. Meanwhile, for the icing, you want to cream the butter until it looks beyond edible before adding both the icing sugar and the vanilla. Once the base is out of the oven leave to cool. Thereafter, plop dollops of delightful icing. Like most icings, it will harden over time. For me, I like to biff the finished slice into the fridge for a bit before I race down to the supermarket to grab an el cheapo bottle of rose. On my return, the plan is to grab my sun glasses, camera and picnic blanket and head to the beach with friends. It’s almost SPRING BREAAAAAAAAAAAK people, SPRINGGGGGGGGGG BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.

AHOY! SCONES!

Ahoy! Scones, inspired by the Hutt Valley!

While I should be all like, “tarte au citron” or “beef bourguignon”, I have one vice – namely, scones from the Hutt. Why, might you ask? Well, while I was transferring from the Nelson Mail to Wellington I had a brief purgatory period where I reported for the Hutt News. It was stupendous! I had complete creative freedom and I have must admit – I’ve never really been privy to mall-rat culture. And so it was. I became a mallrat. Every lunchtime I would frolic over to the bright lights that is the Queensgate mall and buy the cheapest of attires! Pink blazer – check. Pleather top – check. I’ve always erred on the side of chi chi, apparently.

 

Anyway, while the Hutt’s chicken and brie paninis were satisfactory, their scones, my God, were sublime! Every morning for three weeks I would stuff my face (long black – in tow) with a date scone the size of a small rugby field. And while I had to stop for fear of actually becoming a scone, I have no regrets. My plight was legitimate as I attempted to endeavored to devour every scone in the region! At one point I was having a scone for breakfast AND for lunch.

With that said, here is my own take on the Hutt Scone (I tried to incorporate every delightful feature of each variety that I encountered). Pour moi, I like to eat scones that taste more like shortbread than your traditional bready scone. So, to emulate this “biscuit-esque” effect, I simply add a little more butter.

Ingredients:

2 C self raising flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

Pinch of salt

2 teaspoons sugar

50 g butter

1/2 cup (70g) chopped dates

1 small egg, beaten

100ml milk

Preheat your oven to 200 degrees celsius. With a large bowl, add all the dry ingredients. Like what you would do if you were to make your own made-from-scratch pastry, rub in the butter with the tips of your fingers to make a bread-crumb-esque consistency. Chop up the dates and add to the mixture. Add the egg and milk. Knead dat mixture on a floured tabletop for about 30 seconds. You’ve got this. Get those muscles working. Cut into about eight scone-resembling pieces and biff onto a tray and into the oven. There you have it.

THE SUBLIME TART SERIES – LEMON

So it is nearing that spectacular time of the year when it is not quite anyone’s birthday, nor is it Christmas, summer is nearing and thus I will use any excuse to stage a costume party – even if it is a month shy of October 31.

A theme is naturally mandatory so, with the advice from my great friend Jeremy Riddle I am in the throes of organising an “emoji” themed costume party (so pretentious! So-oh-so-media! So INSUFFERABLE! And yet, so perfect!). Current conundrum: I can’t decide whether to sport a flamenco-red dress to be the traditional dancer, or to create a cardboard cut-out of a poo (excuse the crassness), or to dress in a black leotard and get another single lady pal to be my other dancing partner, or to simply wear a pink top and gesture a “no deal” with my arms all night, or, or, or… the possibilities are endless.

With any party I try to master, I have a tradition of presenting a “tart” of some sort. Because I have been privileged enough to gallivant across France (literally cycled down the border between France and Germany and it proved to be a nightmare because my former boyfriend and I failed to correctly calculate the geographical distance. Needless to say, cycling 120km per day is not exactly frolicking through vineyards *not bitter at all*) I tend to forever strive to be French or at least recreate French food – or that could simply be due to my butter and carbohydrate-loving disposition. Nonetheless, this is my recreation of a classic tarte au citron. Enjoy!

Base as per my mascarpone tart recipe (because as you are probably aware, my culinary skills are actually quite limited. I’m more of a food-lover/wannabe foodie – like most journalists, really)

The base: 

1 ½ Cups of plain flour, plus extra for dusting

¼ Cup of Icing sugar

125 g cold butter, cut into small cubes

dash of vanilla (if you are that way inclined)

1 large beaten egg

splash of milk

Combine all of the dry ingredients. Add the butter cubes and using the tips of your fingers, knead the butter into the flour. The mixture won’t be holding at this point. Combine the egg and mix until you get a ball of mixture. If it is too sticky, add more flour. Similarly, if it fails to combine together, add a dash of milk. Sprinkle flour onto a counter of some sort. Knead the mixture and using a rolling pin, roll out the mixture to fit a tart dish. Blind bake dat pastry yo’ – by using either blind baking marbles or rice. You get the idea. Bake the pastry for about 15 minutes at a 170 degrees Celsius oven. Once slightly browned and cooked all the way through, take the pastry out of the oven and leave to cool.

Filling:

3/4 C caster sugar

4 eggs

200mL cream

1/2 C lemon juice (squeezed)

Combine ingredients adding the cream last. Add to pastry and bake for 25 minutes in a 150 degree Celsius oven. Cool. Refrigerate. Serve with some sort of spectacular (possibly dangerous candle – see Mascarpone tart recipe). Boom.

CROQUE MADAMES WITH A TWIST

Okay. I admit it. I’ve been out of action for the last fortnight – partly due to burnout, partly due to laziness. But, I decided to head home to Tauranga for the weekend and me mammy had saved a number of Food Channel episodes on MySky for me. Dating back to January. Actually hilarious. My mother describes these little wonders as “croque madame with a twist”. They are slightly slight-er than your average croque madame and pour moi, that is enough reason to chow down about four of them in one sitting. Delicious.

For a tray of six “croque madames with a twist” you need the following:

Six pieces of white bread. Sure good-awful rhy or grain-whatever will work but at the end of the day you are eating a glorified double-down calories-wise.

About 100g Shaved ham or bacon, whatever your wee heart desires.

Instant cheese sauce mix – I would go for the instant liquid mix. You could try and make Julia Child’s cheese sauce but heck, treat yo’ self!

Six eggs

50g Butter

Shredded cheese of any variety. I would go for Edam in this instance for no other reason than it was already in the fridge.

Cut the crusts off of the six pieces of bread. Meanwhile melt the butter in the microwave. Using a brushing utensil of some variation, coat a layer of butter onto the pieces of bread in an individual manner. Source a six-hole muffin tin and beware, you must grease the tin before placing the bread into the cups for fear of them getting stuck. What a waste that would be. If you haven’t gathered already, you must place the pieces of bread individually (butter side face down into the tin) into the tin holes. The term to call the holes has suddenly escaped me! Nevertheless, in the instance you are using shaved ham, use pieces and line the bottom of the bread cups – if you are going to use bacon, to prevent food poisoning, I would recommend you cook the bacon beforehand. To add a layer of deliciousness, put a spoonful of white cheese sauce after the ham layer. Now for the eggs, you want an egg yolk per cup, however I would discard most of the egg whites. Finally add a dash of white sauce before sprinkling a handful of shredded cheese on top of each cup of gluttonous goodness. Bake for 15 minutes in a moderately heated oven (180 degrees celsius) – you are wanting the yolk to be ever so slightly runny. Bon appetite!