HOW TO BE A METAPHORICAL CAKE

I am forever inspired by my friend and flatmate’s culinary expertise. Deanna Dowling, artist and shining star has attempted to school me of course but I admit my skills are best reserved for the “chopping area”. Nonetheless, with cakes being so “on trend” it’s not surprising that she managed to create this ridiculously rich cake that’s all types of whimsy and yet the recipe in itself is nothing more than yo’ standard banana bonanza. Christ, you’d think she had some sort of KitchenAid appliance or something?

Anyway, this cake was made in celebration of me encapsulating the idea of being a metaphorical “cake” or “cupcake”. I’ll explain. Basically, over the last few years I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve attended or hustled into events with people or I find myself talking to people who are of the extremist-right-wing disposition. Now I’m going to try and preserve any ounce of political neutrality here but it’s no surprise that I veer in any direction other than the extremist right. Why the cake/cupcake analogy? Well they’re often men (oh hai daddy issues) who hang out with lots of other men and say you’ve made an effort not to look like a homeless person, I’ve felt nothing short of a handbag in these bizaare situations – sans promiscuity I can assure you. Call me a sucker when there’s free wine available, but I don’t see how this is happening? Yes it is the free wine. Yes I enjoy frivilous converstations. Yes I should be open to other people’s opinions. Yes I do revel in a bit of risk (will we brawl?). The problem is, when I embody this cupcake so-to-speak it feels so degrading. Am I undermining my political integrity by getting along with said members of the devil party? There’s also that nasty pungent of the “networking vibes” going on. Ugh. Hate to say it too, but my inner feminist squirms as often these characters are older and the age desparity “looks” pretty dubious if you get what I’m saying. Anyway, I’m no cupcake, I don’t think. Dabbling is fine. Everything in moderation. What better way to unload than through a self-indulgent blog post?

Ingredients:

250g butter
4 eggs
3-5 bananas
Vanilla – the more the better
3 C flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1/2C milk
Extra goodies such as walnuts, raisins, craisins, chocolate even – go wild!

Icing:

50g butter

50g cream cheese

2 tsp of vanilla

dash of milk, if needed

In a bowl mix (Deanna says “fold” – but I ain’t got no time for dat) the butter, eggs, bananas and vanilla. Add the dry ingredients before the milk. Lastly add all the treats. Grease a cake tin and pour in the mixture. Cook in a 160 degree Celsius oven for 45 – 60 minutes.

Leave to cool and slice the cake in half (WARNING – this is where everything could go wrong! Be precise! You’ve got this!)

For the icing, add the butter, cream cheese, vanilla and add milk if necessary. Cream dat mixture. This is where I eat half of the mixture. Once the cake has cooled and it’s waiting eagerly to be iced, ice the hell out of the middle (I like a 1:1 cake/icing ratio) and blob on the top. Sprinkle the heck out of it if you’re so inclined.

NERVE-SMASHING SCROLLS

Nerves: aren’t they the worst? Whether it’s a job interview, a first date, or a performance – my God I hate the nerves. My body has this amazing ability to screw me over in the sense I shake, I talk super fast (and usually bark on about utterly inappropriate things) and inevitably gag for any alcohol in sight. I’m clearly a dating pro, obviously #slayer. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how to combat stressful/nerve-inducing situations and other than exercise or the grog, it suddenly hit me, cooking/baking is a great solution. So in preparation for this year’s Law Revue – think tap dancing Christine Rankin – I decided to bake these scrummy scrolls. Certainly there’s the whole “yo’ so nervous that yo’ stuff your face” issue, but, I managed to buck that nasty trend of mine and serve these puppies to the cast, slash I had planned to.

Ingredients:

2 1/4 C self raising flour
30g cold butter
1 cup of milk
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
1 T cinnamon
2 T sugar
Blob of butter (in addition)

For the icing: 

50g butter, up to 1 C of icing sugar (think thinner buttercream)

Heat dat oven to 200 degrees Celsius. You want to use a food processor of some description to combine the flour and butter. For all the peasants out there, myself included, hands/fingertips make a good substitute. Dolla dolla billz yo. Basically you want to use a technique that would you use if you were making your own pastry from scratch – how very Martha Stewart. Add the milk and sugar. Roll the mixture as if it’s pastry. Melt an additional blob of butter and combine with the spices. Lather the spices along the pastry, like it’s a cake so-to-speak. Now, slice into strips and roll accordingly. Place on a baking tray and cook for about 15-25 minutes. Leave to cool. For the icing, whip the butter and icing sugar. To make it thinner I suggest adding a dash of milk. Lather those puppies with sugary goodness. Nerves be gone! 

"MY" MASCARPONE TART

My mascarpone tart is arguably the one recipe that makes all the bitches go wild. #ganstafail Well, it’s more the fact that people go gaga for home-made pastry when in reality it is so easy to master. The same cooing is evident when people produce home-made bread, although it is often custom to produce said bread by way of a bread-maker. Anyway, there is no doubt homemade pastry trumps its disgusting yet convenient ready-made counterpart. Combine that with mascarpone and one giant block of chocolate and you have yourself a week’s worth, possibly a lifetime’s worth, of kudos. 

What’s more, while I had the amazing opportunity to reside in Budapest in 2011, I found the most amazing candles. If you enjoy pyrotechnics, you would enjoy these. Surely they are illegal, but oh man, what a party trick. I have seen some of those bad boys at an el cheapo shop on K Road in Auckland. I wholeheartedly recommend them. 

Base:

1 ½ Cups of plain flour, plus extra for dusting
¼ Cup of Icing sugar
125 g cold butter, cut into small cubes
Dash of vanilla (if you are that way inclined)
1 large beaten egg
Splash of milk

Combine all of the dry ingredients. Add the butter cubes and using the tips of your fingers, knead the butter into the flour. The mixture won’t be holding at this point. Combine the egg and mix until you get a ball of mixture. If it is too sticky, add more flour. Similarly, if it fails to combine together, add a dash of milk. Sprinkle flour onto a counter of some sort. Knead the mixture and using a rolling pin, roll out the mixture to fit a tart dish. Blind bake dat pastry yo’ - by using either blind baking marbles or rice. You get the idea. Bake the pastry for about 15 minutes at a 170 degrees celcius oven. Once slightly browned and cooked all the way through, take the pastry out of the oven and leave to cool. 

Filling:

1 tub/packet of (cheap) mascarpone
1 tub of cream cheese
1 block of Whittaker’s milk chocolate
A dash of milk

Melt the chocolate in a microwave or stovetop. Be careful you don’t burn the nom nom choc and may I suggest you add the milk - this helps the process. Once melted, leave to cool (the more milk, the better chance the chocolate won’t immediately set), otherwise, if you add the dairy products too quickly, you will have curdling/lumping on your chocolate-licked hands. Add the ingredients together. Add the filling to the pastry and if you are of the creative disposition, add sliced strawberries or berries for decorative/delicious effect. Sublime.

HUNGRY & FROZEN'S PRETZEL COOKIE THINGYS

I’m a dedicated patron of the baked good. If i’m not making melting moments or Russian tea cakes, well, you might find me strolling around the streets looking lost and disillusioned. I recall one point in my life where I felt compelled to try every melting moment (the yo-yo, as described in Urban Dictionary) that I encountered. Bizarre, really. And while my cookie-baking is perhaps limited to the aforementioned, I recently tried my hand at fellow food-blogger Laura Vincent’s cookie-dough-pretzel thingys. Bloody amazing, really. While it might be naughty to feature these cookies, my aim is to provide further promotion to such a talent! The pretzels help with portion control (always a problem) and the salt and crunch of the said pretzel add perfect balance to the cookie dough.

Ingredients:

125g butter

1 C brown sugar

1 tsp of vanilla

1/2 C flour

150g milk chocolate (Hungry and Frozen calls for dark chocolate, but hey, screw it).

1 packet of el-cheapo pretzels.

Combine butter, sugar, vanilla and milk in a bowl. Exercise some restraint if you’re going to taste. Gah, I was 1/4 of the mixture down at one point. Set aside a baking tray. You want to roll the cookie-dough mixture into balls and use two pretzels, one for each side, to sandwich the mixture together. Cute lil’ sammie that it is. Biff into a 180 degree Celsius oven and cook for 15-20 minutes. Leave to cool for 30 minutes. Meanwhile, melt the chocolate in any way possible – my go-to is to break chocolate into pieces in a bowl, add a splash of milk and microwave for a minute or so. My god don’t burn it though – blasphamy! Dip your little pretzel surprises into the melted chocolate, and leave to cool once more. Damn girl.

LET THEM EAT LAMINGTONS

This blog post is deceiving: I’m trying to cut back on the baked goods for the next wee while because I’m having to sport a leotard for this year’s Law Revue. Hilarious story, really. I was quite the patron of the Otago University equivalent but was told their Wellington counterpart was strictly for “yo-pros” – young professionals, in other words. One day shy of going to Japan I auditioned, thinking all the other participants looked “awfully fresh-faced”. It was only three rehearsals in that I realised they were all law-students. Hierarchy and geriatric-disposition aside, I’ve had the most delightful time! But again, the leotard-wearing is nighe. So I’m attempting to limit my croissant intake – not to promote dieting – but to instead protect audiences from running away crying. But hell, lamingtons are perfection. 

Ingredients:

Pre-made-and-purchased-from-the-supermarket sponge cake. Yeah, cut those corners.
5 T of raspberry powdered jelly. Not raro. Unless you’re into diabetes, don’t do it.
50g melted butter
3-4 C icing sugar
Boiling water
Shredded coconut.

Cut the sponge cake into lamington-shaped squares. Mix the butter, icing sugar, jelly and boiling water together. I’d leave to set for a bit if you want a generous layer of the raspberry deliciousness. Dip the sponge squares into the raspberry bonanza. Let it swim if need be. Sprinkle or dip into a bowl of coconut. Serve with giant dollops of cream and raspberries, along with any variety of vintage plate – cute.

CHARLOTTE ROYALE CAKE

I might err on the viva la republic-side of the monarchy spectrum, but because I have a handful of friends named Charlotte and the most recent member of the English royal family celebrated a christening, a Charlotte Royale Cake recipe seemed fitting for this week’s edition (not addition, note to self, don’t send an email to staff across the country on a Friday and before you’ve consumed your daily intake of caffeinated beverages. Seriously, I had to write a follow up apologising for the heinous mistake, saying that my error was by no means a reflection of my commitment to the English language) of Doily Darlings. 

Ingredients:

Two slabs of pre-made sponge cake
One jar of jam
Nine leaves of gelatin *vegetarians sob the world over*
Standard carton of custard
2 T gin/sherry/cointreau/whatever
450 ml of cream

Anyway, I digress…the recipe traditionally calls for sponge and custard made-from-scratch but hell, this girl’s got things to do. So instead, the unashamed improviser that I am, I popped over to le supermarche and decided to do the unthinkable and buy el-cheapo sponge and custard, replace actual berries with the leftover jam (I have about $10 to my name – could be due to that stupid ice cream lamp I purchased while in Japan), and finally, replace creme de classes with the gin dregs in my cupboard. Blasphemy, I know! Hey, I’m a food-enthusiast, not an expert. Next I’ll be doing posts about eggs on toast (oh wait, done that) or better yet, just toast! Best to keep my options open I say. Also, by aiming low there’s only one way to go and that’s up, amIright?

COOK AT HOME JAPAN

While frolicking across Japan, I thought it would be wonderful to do a cooking class. You know, “immerse myself in the culture” etc etc. Naturally, I ran out of time and had to embarrassingly cancel my cooking date with the hospitable organisers of “Cook At Home Japan”. Naturally, a profile/interview seemed an appropriate alternative way to apologise.

So meet Yusuke, he lives in Tokyo with his wife, Hisayo, and baby and has recently launched a new initiative called, Cook at Home, which is a “home cooking class network for international tourists who want to experience the real Japan”.

Could you please tell me a bit about yourself?

“I love travelling and eating. I have enjoyed local foods in 18 countries [including Thailand, Cambodia, Malaysia, Singapore, Mexico, Cuba, Turkey, Bulgaria, Korea, China, Australia, Taiwan, Egypt, UAE, Philippines, Spain, Belgium,Netherland,United States, United Kingdom].

What’s your cooking background?

“I don’t have any special cooking background. I am self-taught.”

If anything, Yusuke is a self proclaimed “lazy cook”, he says.

“My wife is good at cooking, so usually she cooks our meals. But sometimes I cook. Japanese style curry and Okonomiyaki (it’s like Japanese style pizza) are my specialties.”

Why did you decide to establish Cook At Home?

Yusuke went to a number of cooking classes while travelling abroad and the experiences made those trips particularly special, he says.

The cooking environment meant that he could also learn about the real cultures and daily life, which would not have been possible had he just visited the tourist sites.

Today, Japanese food is very popular all over the world, he says, where most people have experienced sushi, tofu or ramen.

“I’m so glad many people accept our dishes. However, these dishes are only one small part of Japanese food culture.”

A friend asked him whether he ate sushi everyday, for example, which was a big misunderstanding!

Sushi is a dish that is rarely eaten at home.

Yusuke therefore decided to initiate the home cooking network, in the hope of bringing delight to foreigners and to engage an understanding as to what everyday Japanese cuisine is like.

Authentic Japanese dishes are simple, easy to make and you don’t need special skills, he says.

“You will have a great time, whether you are a beginner or [an established] good cook.

We hope you enjoy Japanese home cooking even after you return to your kitchen.”

What is the philosophy behind Cook At Home?

“Our mission is to introduce the real Japan to international tourists through home cooking. We believe that experiencing our daily lives is the best tourism attraction.

“One of the most valuable things about travelling is to experience something extraordinary and get away from routine/normal life. We think that living a local’s daily life would be extraordinary for modern tourists.

“We chose home visits and home cooking to show our daily life and culture,

because these experiences are the best ways to discover the real Japan.”
What is so special about Japanese food?

“I think “dashi stock” makes Japanese food special. It is a savory broth made from dried foods such as kelp seaweed and bonito fish flakes. The flavour is surprising but fundamental to Japanese cuisine.”


How does/will Cook At Home operate?

Good Japanese cooks are employed as hosts and hold cooking classes at their homes for a reasonable price. While the “hosts are not professional chefs they are ordinary people who love cooking and teaching”.

“We believe interaction with the local people is one of the essential parts of wonderful travel. Hosts treat you like a friend. So, please enjoy our service in the casual mood like going to a friend’s home.”